A long way to go
Posted by azngeek at August 13th, 2007
I’ve dreamt of relationships before.
How they should be.
How they are meant to be.
I’ve spent time observing people out there. I’ve seen the pain.
I’ve seen the hurt that comes with it.
I’ve seen it get ugly when others get involved.
And I can’t say that I actually can allow myself to go through it.
I’m afraid. It’s beyond what my mind can comprehend as my mind branches out to the countless possibilities of all the endings and what it may lead to.
It’s an overload of facts, figures, statistics.
My heart it beats like a well oiled clock
and the heart has the roar of a mouse.
Far too mechanical.
Still a lifetime away from finding my fluidity,
my freedom from this prison,
with the guards of an absolute logic,
the dogma of oppression I call my mind.
With that I don’t think I can love you as much as you would deserve.
I need to acquire much more maturity.
Before I’m prepared to take the dive.
To commit to one person and one person only.
To share the entirety of my feelings,
The ups and downs,
The frowns and the laughter.
Until then. Maybe I could just paint the pictures on my own.
Just a little longer.
Paint it, with you still the apple of my eye,
My Mona Lisa.
Ahh She smiles. Smiles for me.
But before the artist opens his canvas to you.
Before we paint together.
Maybe we wait.
Then we paint Paris, Rome, and Italy red.
The locals shall be so annoyed chérie,
The sneaky artisan,
And his reckless lover.
The thought makes me smile.
Till I reach the pinnacle. The summit of me.
When I can be smart, funny, and sensitive enough to your needs.
And until I’ve become the best I can possibly be not only mentally.
But physically.
All aspects. Until I can be the best I can be.
The day I become what you deserve.
Maybe. Just maybe I should keep on keeping on.
Keep on holding out.
C’est la vie
Je t’adore
( Just a short note here. This post was a contemplation post on the status quo. The optimist in me still wants the first one to be the last one. And to be the perfect one. Relationships. Pffbtttt. Unsure on what I should do. Am I ready? I don’t know.)
Is this the something random you were gonna post about? Haha. 12.01am.
So, this line caught me, you want the first to be the last?
I like that thought, I’ve thought about it before, and I’ve heard people uttering those words in secondary school.
But what if she turns out to be a monster overnight?
What if she suddenly decides to reveal the other side the darker side of herself, if she has one? You still gonna be the “optimist” and keep her, shove her into your pocket and only take a look at her pretty side every now and then? Sometimes it’s not you. You may have been your best but she may not.
Then again, anything’s bound to happen. Your first may be your last. (:
Such a long comment and I’ve never analyzed anyhting. Just typing as it is. I may be wrong somewhere so if there is any mistakes, correct me.
And I have people always telling me, you’ll only find the right one after going through heaps of the wrong. Gosh, I sound like my Aunty Judy now.
Shea
Well, as my 75 year old economics lecturer, the wise and reverend Gamini imparted to us this morning: “When I was young, I had an image of my ideal girl in my head. …Then I married someone else.”
It’s been around 50 years.
Jia