Posted by azngeek at October 7th, 2006

You know what really grinds my gears. Products denoted with the words “lite”, “zero”, “diet”, “sugar-free”, and for you fucking pepsi drinkers. Pepsi “Max”. “B-b-butttt, it’s because you know. I need to keep my figure.”

Wrong you moron. For anyone who actually thought of that. You are wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Die now and do us all a favor. So as I was saying. W-T-F is wrong with you shit for brains people. Why buy shitty products like that? “Oh I’m counting my calories” says the guy behind me. Now where is my tazer. I’ll freagin taze some sense into that imbecile. *sets to high voltage-omfg-this-is-going-to-hurt-me-more-than-it-will-hurt-you*

Or for once. I could be wrong. And you could be in a lot more pain than me. I don’t really mind. Just so long as I can shove some high voltage up your ass, I’m all good. All happy. But I guess we can’t do much about the morons who go out and buy the said products. Even if you did gas all of them. The offspring of the more sensical ones, will then de-evolve, and will continue to purchase the said products. So what’s the only other option apart from destroying the entire human race? Hmmm. It’s a toughie. I can’t think of a way. I’m stumped. For once. Or twice. Bleh. Shut up.

Soooo. If we can’t beat em’, I say join them. I have the most diabolical-EVEL plan to beat these fuckers at their own game. And I’ll call it. Super-Lite-Diet-Zero. SLDZ for short. Pronounced as se-le-de-ze. Se-Le-De-Ze. You feel me? Right.

So what is the said Se-Le-De-Ze? It’s better than all the fagoty products out there. Diet Coke. Pffbt. Pepsi Max. Please. Pringles Lite? Don’t make me laugh. Here’s the SLDZ to rule them all. One product to rule them. One product to bind them. One product to make my asian ass rich. I still have not actually revealed what, SLDZ is, have I? So keep on reading.

SLDZ, is all those fucked up versions of some good products (with the exception of pepsi. You guys suck big hairy monkey balls), put into one. Much like captain planet. Only. SLDZ is more environmentally friendly. And it’ll make me big bucks.

So think about it. What do all those products have in common? Apart from being a shittier version of the original? And sucking big hairy monkey balls? *slaps forhead* You morons still haven’t picked it up yet? Do I have to point everything out myself. Gah. The lower calorie count, the lower percentage of fat content, the good feeling of eating something that’s bad for you but you can deny it because of the clever/fucked up advertising with the label “lite, etc as above” So the product I proposed, SLDZ, will be what I call that thing I’ve just placed in your hands reader.

Yes you heard me. I’ve just given you all SLDZ over the in-ter-web. You all have it. I’ve given you a free sample. (I can sell it virtually too! Am I going to be rich or what) You can’t see it? Because you are far too inferior intelectually, so your sense of smell, and sight can’t pick it up. Now, shove it in your mouth. Mmm.mmm good. Finger licking good. Better than anything I’ve ever/You’ve ever tasted. And plus. This is a truly guilt free snack. Zero calories, is an even shittier version of the original product(s) (People are so going to buy SLDZ), and it’ll give you an even better feeling that you aren’t actually shoving shit down your throat. SO is this an amazing plan or what. And plus. think about the marketing potential.

Competitors work with just one-uno-fuc-ked-word. We have 4 at our disposal. Super-Lite-Diet-Zero. How is anyone going to beat that? How is it going to even be possible to beat that. Exactly. You can’t. And we can strike a deal with the superheroes of the realm. After all. This product is super. And then I’ll be rich. And I’ll be all pimp and shit. And sexy. And and desirable!

Note : Hi fellow readers. Meet my alter ego. AznSneak. Quite the debut, don’t you think? He’s almost as creative as I am. Go AznSneak
(edit)

(edit AGAIN) Fuck you azngeek. I mean. I’m azngeek

(edit AGAIN AGAIN) Stfu aznsneak you noob. You have been revealed to the entire in-ter-web

(edit AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN) ZOMG. You mofo. I’m going to taze your ass azngeek.

(edit AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN) Bring it bitch. I’ll pop a cap in yo’ ass yo!

*bam bam bam* Noooo. *whimper* Gahhh. Not the tazer. Bzzzt. Ahhhh. Not the belt. NOT THE BELT. *Crash* *Boom *Bang*

Talk about a short debut. I think that might be the last of aznsneak. Azngeek has prevailed! Or not… dum dum dum, or maybe I’m aznsneak pretending to be azngeek. The plot thickens.

Azngeek (Or AM I?)

PS: For any of you that didn’t pick it up. The title is an allusion toward the phrase “hit you where the sun don’t shine” or not