Posted by azngeek at July 17th, 2006

So yes, I was nerding up some 3 dimensional vectors, and as I finished the last question, I saw a sign. There was a book neatly placed on the chair beside me. Blood and Gold: The Vampire Marius, by Anne Rice which so happens to be not a bad book. I would know. I read it before you moronic non-existential readers. For people who don’t exist, your intelligence levels are shocking. You imaginary people should be PERFECT. Why else would I want non-existing readers if you people weren’t perfect. It’s hard to get good help these days. Bleh. So as I was saying, a best selling author’s book next to me, after finishing up on vectors. It has to be a sign for something greater. I could almost see that imaginary light sneaking through the blinds to highlight the utter importance of this book which was to play a pivotal role in my life. Yes, an authentic-ass-kicking-aspiring-azngeek post. Shutupmylifedoesn’tsuck. So I’ll take it that you non-existential readers know about Anne Rice, because you people are perfect. So yes, what do all best selling authors have in common. J.K Rowling, Tolkien, Patricia Cornwell, Stephen King, etc. Mmm. Open to the first,second, or last page, or even the cover of the book. They all have the aproval seal of certain people/organizations/bodies/companies etc. Still don’t understand me? Let me illustrate some examples for you people. “Refreshing” -New York Times “You wouldn’t want to miss this breathtaking adventure” - Washington Post “A fresh new perspective of vampires/ghosts/the adventure genre” - Some famous dude “Fans of — bestselling —- series will rush out to buy this new one — intentive fare.” - Mail On Sunday and one last one for good measure “A journey of the soul explored” - Some gay bastard *twitch* (I bet someone explores something else when he drops a bar of soap in public showers) Still don’t see the stupidity behind best selling authors? *slaps forhead* Shit non-existential readers. You guys suck urm you guys suck poo poo! Don’t you see the elaborate agreement they have made with these so-called influential/famous bodies/people/organizations etc. They advertise for each other, after they have achieved some sort of tangibility as an acclaimed writer. Don’t believe me? Mmmm. Let me quote something at the back of the book I have right beside me right this instant. “Rice’s most passionate and inventive work since Interview with the Vampire, Memnoch has a half maddened fever-pitch intenisty and tells a tale as old as Scripture’s legends and as modern as todays’ religous warefare.’ Mikal Gilmore, ROLLING STONES“ You see. ROLLING STONES emboldened don’t you. First off which imbecilic bafoon would fall for that. Singers don’t read. Rock singers don’t read. They rock. They sing. They don’t read you asshole. But when some dumb ass in his mid 40s who grew up listening to the likes of Rolling Stones, The Beatles, The Beegees, The Cardigans etc. they’d probably light up like a little child on christmas eves when the child has his finger plugged in into a 400000 volt live unearthed power source. And then he’ll buy the damn book to read it just because the ROLLING STONES said something good about it. Heck, even for us people who don’t really have a high affinity for the Rolling stones, when we see that, we get that subliminal urge to listen to the Rolling Stones. You don’t? Shut up. You are stupid. I’m guessing you still don’t see the stupidity behind best-selling authors. No? You do? What is it then. That’s right bitch, shut up, sit down, and listen. Best-selling authors actually have to achieve a certain standard first before becoming a best-selling author no? Well here’s where they are stupid. All they have to bloody do is just call up the Rolling Stones, call up the New York Times, the Washington Post, etc. offer them a comission, get them to claim it as a best-seller then all majority of the consumers who are stupid as fuck will buy the fucking book! And to further their wealth and fortunes, instead of quoting other people, they should be quoting themselves! Don’t bloody believe me? Ee gad, non-existential readers. Do I have to think of every damn thing? You remember this? “Rice’s most passionate and inventive work since Interview with the Vampire, Memnoch has a half maddened fever-pitch intenisty and tells a tale as old as Scripture’s legends and as modern as todays’ religous warefare.’ Mikal Gilmore, ROLLING STONES“ what if it were like this instead? “Rice’s most passionate and inventive work since Interview with the Vampire, Memnoch has a half maddened fever-pitch intenisty and tells a tale as old as Scripture’s legends and as modern as todays’ religous warefare.’ Anne-fucking-Rice“ You see. NOT ONLY WILL THE AUTHOR GAIN BEST SELLING STATUS. The author will be doing advertistment for him/herself as well. You see, when I read that I go, hmmm MUST FIND OUT MORE ABOUT ANNE RICE. SHE SOUNDS SO COOOOOOLLLLLLL. That’s right morons. I’m right. You are wrong. 100% absolute authority in the arena of intelligence. I’m a gladiator of absolute supreme intelligence. Not only that. The new best selling author can go even further by cutting out all the people of their commissions. Not only do you become fan-fucking-tastically-famous-for-free (almost for free) with almost zero effort, you become rich as well. Fuck. I just came up with the most ingenious get rich scheme ever. Hah! That proves I’m Asian! Fuck yea! I guess that’s my rant for today people. On a totally unrelated matter. The next time some wise ass mother fucker tells you you can only do something when pigs can fly, I have a quick and easy reply for you to use. “Ok, I find pig now and shove rocket up piggy wiggy bum-bum. Then piggy fry!/fly” - Azngeek- DISCLAIMER : I do not accept any responsibility for any idiocy that it is to be committed by any non-existential readers of mine from reading my non-sensical-non-coherent rant.